I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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