i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
