I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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