I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
