I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
ttyl tear gas
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
