Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
