OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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