so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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