I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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