Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
