i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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