obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
