I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
