And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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