Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The chlamydia really affected his face.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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