Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
