I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
