first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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