I'm going to jail i love you
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
