Pants 0. Shit 1.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
