I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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