dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
