Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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