bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
