I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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