I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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