wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize