Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
