The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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