Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It's Friday. Sex?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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