He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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