Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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