fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize