Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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