someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
