just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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