i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
