mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
