so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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