you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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