he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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