i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
