I heard we made out
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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