Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
