So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
