if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Randomize
