I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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