You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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