Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
