sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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