things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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