I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
