I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
