ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
