he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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