He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
