The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize