Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
