I want her autograph on my taint
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
